home for the holidays

for the first time in a year, and the second time in two years, i'm in ohio for a week.

it's strange when my solo life has been so tumultuous and all over the place that the first 18 years were so stable. my parents are machines in some ways, safe and secure and routine based. preferring stability and pragmatism to volatile extravagance they shaped the landscape of those first 18 years. there are certainly distinct advantages and disadvantages to this method of living. i think when i was younger i only saw the bad, and now i'm only starting to appreciate the good.

i had a pretty negative experience right before i left. i make bad decisions sometimes about the people i let into my life. the sour taste still lingering on my tongue i spent a restless couple of hours at my grandma's house in salt lake before arriving at an ungodly hour at the slc airport with my two brothers. the flight was surprisingly smooth, i've had some pretty negative experiences in the past. it was strange to fly with people i know, it's the first time that i've done that since i was 12. and then before i knew it i was in this humidly cold little mideastern state.

i was apprehensive about the trip, sometimes i butt heads with my mother since she and i see things so differently. i was horrified that i would feel trapped, that i'd fight with everyone, that i'd miss utah, or at least my friends in utah. but, knock on wood, so far it's been incredibly beautiful.

it's nice to have a soft place to visit and remember all that has already happened in your life. i'm in the room of my childhood, that i lived in from 4-18. the spacious dimensions and queen sized bed was lost on me during that time, but now it feels too nice for me to be in.

i went running with my dad around a frozen pond, i listened and sang along to arcade fire with art in his car while we picked up groceries, my mom is just beaming that everyone is home again. i'm surrounded by people that hate tv, love reading and watching documentaries, that are non-pretentious and sincere and considerate. and they love me. we are little restless nerds.

i'm happy to be home.