Gate A41

I'm sitting at the gate in Denver waiting to board the plane to Frankfurt. This morning when i approached the airport I started crying. I'm not much of a crier, and i have said good bye to many wonderful people without really giving into that vague little tickle to water up. In fact I was just overwhelmed by the warmth and goodness, and the amount of people that I love in Provo. I don't know why but I really wished that I had more time. More time for what? I dont know. It was just how I felt.

The end was so abrupt and there were so many lose ends left untied. And so there I was staggering into the airport with my over-sized luggage with stuff I probably don't even need wearing as many of my clothes as possible to cut down on weight in the luggage (they didnt even weigh my luggage!) And I'm whimpering with snot pouring down my nose as I go through the security line, and answering the courtesy questions, "and how are you doing?" with such pathetic little ok's that they granted me some kindly chuckles.

I understand now a little about why my parents acted like I was crazy and my friends acted like I was brave. I'm not very brave actually, and this jump into a whole new life scares me. But here I am anyway, I guess that counts for something.

i'm going to germany in two weeks. everyone i know, everything i take for granted will change. and everyone else is excited for me. it's the kind of thing people like other people to do. leave, go on an adventure....

i have the plane ticket. it makes sense for me to go.

i'm sad to leave. especially the way that i am. more confused about everything then i ever have been. but i recognize it has no connection to reality, my being sad and confused. it's just something in my head, like the vivid memory of a dream no one else cares about because of some insubstantial images and emotions that felt real to me and beyond my control.