Tuesday, May 19, 2009

when i was seventeen my parents caught me shoplifting and made me return the merchandise to the store. my dad took me to the stores to make sure i did it. the first store said thanks and shrugged. the second store made me sit and wait while they called the mall police. the worst part was waiting. we just sat together in silence and I stared at the texture of the painted brick on the wall. i remember a mom trying to be nice and talking to us while her daughter was trying on clothes.
the strange thing was how foreign a familiar setting had become.
i felt completely numb inside, like the part of me that could feel and function and was familiar and chatty had completely disappeared. but then there was this shell of me that was surprised to find itself still waiting. My dad looked worn and martyred.

he's noble like that. he undertakes unpleasant tasks and suffers through them with stately grace.

i feel that with this relationship i'm in. it's dying. we both know it but I think it's harder on me.

something that's been bugging me is the story of the little mermaid. she traded in her fins for feet which felt like a dagger pierced them with every step. because she was in love. but the prince didnt even notice she existed. but she was content to live in silent anonymous pain to be beside the one she loved expecting nothing in return. was she stupid?

the thing about cat power is that she sings like she is allowing her heart to break through her music in such a way that picks me up in a universal way. heartbrakingly humble and raw. stephen auden said that men wanted not universal love, but to be loved alone....but sometimes you'll take what you can get.