Friday, July 23, 2010


Once upon a time, in a group of little brownies, a towheaded midget wearing a brown sash which was sparsely populated by badges unrolled a piece of paper revealing her destiny.

well, not exactly destiny. it was me, reading the meaning of my birthname: amanda. "worthy of great love."Since then i've read multiple derivations from obvious "lovable" to the disappointing "princess." the first one was the one i always thought was true, even though now i know "true" is usually more flexible than my five-year old mind would grasp.

It's odd because it doesn't mean that i will get great love, or any love. And actually it feels more like a potential future than a promise of any kind. as in "you have the opportunity to be greatly love."

And actually, that's something I've been thinking about lately. In this decade of life I guess is the time were it's a mad scramble to settle major things like careers and securing marriage if that's what you're into. and so it's easy to get focused on the bottom line thinking, be envious of those that get the girl and the gold despite what it does to them to do so.

recently i've had some guy friends discussing with me how mutual acquaintances will stoop to underhanded techniques to get girls, and they finished it up, "but.....they get girls!" as if that was the point.

one of my favorite writers from my adolescence wrote, "what you win is how you play." or the more popular, "what you are today is the price you pay for what you used to want."

i believe it's a universal desire to want to be loved, some of the giddiest highs or the simplest pleasures are derived from knowing that someone loves you. But it's also something we absolutely cannot control, attempts to do so are sabotage. So what i think in the end we are left with is the ability to try and be someone worthy of love, even if no one every will.

i suppose it's a trite and cliche conclusion, but i think still true. Perhaps growing up is modifying our wiring for instant gratification and selfish need of attention and love and all the flash and jazz of fabricated love and subsuming a quieter and stiffer satisfaction in knowing that i am worthy of the things i believe i want, if i never obtain them.


Coco said...

i completely agree and think you are very worthy of love. some things are about the journey and not the destination.

SumofSun said...

i feel this. lately i've been reading and questing for a greater knowledge of basic love. brotherly, sisterly love. It's difficult.
I hope your journey proves to be successful for you, Amanda.

Christian said...

I think it's important to keep in mind the consequences of trying to force people to love you, too. Normally you either end up living a lie, pretending to be someone you think is more lovable than your natural self, or being a burden on those around you and driving them away, like my late grandmother, who nagged us so consistently about not visiting and doing enough with her that it made it harder for us to actually do so.

Nobody actively goes out seeking those consequences, though, they just come when we feel we need to push other to love us.

P.S. I might follow you blog, if you don't think that's weird. You seem like an interesting person.

David said...

This type of blog is my allergy.


spy said...

A nice sharing with us of your experience,keep it up.

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