Thursday, November 19, 2009

electric tingles fragile iridescent tendrils

i feel so strangely alive and overflowing to the bursting point with contentment. it's this weird bubbling tingle in my senses, it's a feeling beyond a feeling.
i'm happy and content and full and it's been awhile and so i'm raw and sensitive to every nuance of the emotion, my brain is buzzing and instead of playing music like i normally do i'm listening to the deafening silence full of subtle possibilities, like a roar just out of hearing range.
the sun came out today and my teacher decided we should go outside with our hd camera and told us to spontaneously come up with a thriller film which resulted in us running along the port in the sun with the heavy wind suppressing laughter.
sometimes I lose myself or find myself to be uglier than I thought, more selfish and weak, but this provides the contrast when i ran into a startling recognition of myself as someone with strengths to balance the weaknesses.
i believe in a certain relativity and duplicity of reality, a flexible identity. sometimes i am the way that i'm afraid i am, but i forget sometimes that i'm also sometimes the person that i hope I am, more like the person I hope to be.
I feel so alive even though I'm tired I dont want to sleep, I want to keep living this moment this reality because I'm so aware of the fleeting nature of it.
Today I was brave. today i was innocent. i surprised myself. my friends surprised me, and i realized that my classmates had somehow become some of my favorite people within the last month or so. Somedays you just can really see, you can feel this little peep of the tip of joy, a glimpse of how things could be.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

dust of today

I feel threatened by observationism. that's a word i just made up, meaning to me the ism or believe in observing over acting. it's so easy to have a divorce from thought and action. I learn by watching so I watch and observe, and that is good I think. but it needs to be simultaneous with doing otherwise I sit there outside my body, completely in my eyes. It's overwhelming, the longer I go without doing myself, no matter how clumsy or awkward the doing may go, the more overwhelming the actions of other's creations, the feeling of wasting potential of time passing and dust collecting. There are so many ideas inside, and when they get disconnected from the outside they threaten to explode from the unequalized pressure.
I believe this feeling to be universal, because I know that most feelings are in some degree universal, but I can only speak from my experience. There is a nag inside, itching, begging, bugging, burning do what you can do, make what you can make try try try. How can you experience any great creation, and you feel it, whether it's a small project from a peer of a masterpiece in a hallowed display case, you feel it's struggle that wrought it into existence and the evenutal triumph or truce of the creator, even just a talented voice being brave, how can you feel that and not want to echo that struggle and try as well?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

what it was for

there are some things we dont say, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

life is unexpected and my ability to predict the future is constantly failing.

it's easy to get lost. we take one misstep, one wrong turn, and then suddenly we don't know where we are anymore. we hit these moments and we feel unspeakably alone. it gets dark and we get afraid to feel around because our hands our soft nerve-endingfull tender little tools we don't want to hurt.

then somehow we stumble out, time passes the weather turns warm and golden. or maybe it's not all fields and flowers but it's good and solid sidewalks with brisk purposeful paces forward.

You'd think then, that after finding our way in and back out, when we see other people lost or in a dark space we could help them. but somehow i still find myself at a loss.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

crunch leaves

I never write when things are great, so I wanted to take a quick moment
I'm in London
in the context of extreme angst i found myself in a delicious fall moment in london with people I feel comfortable around mostly, laughing and playing in the leaves.