home for the holidays

for the first time in a year, and the second time in two years, i'm in ohio for a week.

it's strange when my solo life has been so tumultuous and all over the place that the first 18 years were so stable. my parents are machines in some ways, safe and secure and routine based. preferring stability and pragmatism to volatile extravagance they shaped the landscape of those first 18 years. there are certainly distinct advantages and disadvantages to this method of living. i think when i was younger i only saw the bad, and now i'm only starting to appreciate the good.

i had a pretty negative experience right before i left. i make bad decisions sometimes about the people i let into my life. the sour taste still lingering on my tongue i spent a restless couple of hours at my grandma's house in salt lake before arriving at an ungodly hour at the slc airport with my two brothers. the flight was surprisingly smooth, i've had some pretty negative experiences in the past. it was strange to fly with people i know, it's the first time that i've done that since i was 12. and then before i knew it i was in this humidly cold little mideastern state.

i was apprehensive about the trip, sometimes i butt heads with my mother since she and i see things so differently. i was horrified that i would feel trapped, that i'd fight with everyone, that i'd miss utah, or at least my friends in utah. but, knock on wood, so far it's been incredibly beautiful.

it's nice to have a soft place to visit and remember all that has already happened in your life. i'm in the room of my childhood, that i lived in from 4-18. the spacious dimensions and queen sized bed was lost on me during that time, but now it feels too nice for me to be in.

i went running with my dad around a frozen pond, i listened and sang along to arcade fire with art in his car while we picked up groceries, my mom is just beaming that everyone is home again. i'm surrounded by people that hate tv, love reading and watching documentaries, that are non-pretentious and sincere and considerate. and they love me. we are little restless nerds.

i'm happy to be home.

toes

my friend was telling me about toes today. the sunlight was deceptively cold and biting, shining at angles to cut through my bloodshot computer glazed eyes. we were walking. my whole body was tight and jerky and shivering. my teeth have been chattering at a moments notice.

those details are all besides the point of course. just this body is the container that separates self from the hive mind. all of my perspectives are colored by the fact that i'm peering out of my height, my lasered eyes. all of my verbal communication comes out of my crooked teeth, tinner and more nasal than the resonance in my sinus cavities would have me believe.

i guess the point is that every drip or drop of information is colored, tainted, understood only in an individual and subjective experience. the individual experience is the universal. it's something that has been put in more succinct ways before by other people.

the thing about toes is that we were supposed to be barefoot. our little stubbies were supposed to wiggle and grasp and feel the uneven ground. we're putting them in sensory deprivation, on flat manicured surfaces swaddled in socks and packaged in tennies.

this information is third hand. his dad told him about his experiment. the dad's experiment was to run in the park for a couple years totally barefoot. and his dad claimed that overtime his feet and legs picked up more sensitivity.

i think this is very beautiful. but i also think i'm going to keep my shoes on.