Wednesday, June 24, 2009


So my mom called me yesterday. I was sitting in alicia's kitchen, the sun was slanting in at an angle and there were kind people flocking around me enjoying themselves, lindsey and her sister were making navajo salad. Someone's little sister or cousing Lennox was running around shouting, she's a precocious four year old that's blonde as sunshine.
I have to admit that i've been feeling down lately and so i've really appreciated moments that are untouched by negativity. i've been feeling extremely anti-social and it's an effort to risk going out for some reason. I've been trying to make peace with people.
I find that I dont have any anger in me, and no desire to hold grudges or to keep things awkward. The world is very small here and I keep having experiences that reinforce to me the importance of letting go.
So my mom called me. She had just talked to my aunt for a long time and found out lots of disturbing information about two of my cousins. The youngest one I remember for looking like barbie's little sister, kelly. And I remember that she used to fold all her clothes and color code them, even her underware. And my mom told me that she was raped at a party with drunk people.
the older sister, the older cousin I still remember as really young. Last time I saw her she was 15 or so and watching episode after epidode of desperate house wifes. the only time i saw her happy was when we were swimming in the ocean and the waves were really large and knocking us around really hard. She graduated from high school and started acting strange at her graduation party and her parents took her to the hospital and she was full of alcohol and cocain.
it was really sobering to hear that. My mom told me because she wouldn't tell art or stewart. just me. because i "can handle it, or understand it."

it made me sick. maybe because i can understand it.