worthy

Once upon a time, in a group of little brownies, a towheaded midget wearing a brown sash which was sparsely populated by badges unrolled a piece of paper revealing her destiny.

well, not exactly destiny. it was me, reading the meaning of my birthname: amanda. "worthy of great love."Since then i've read multiple derivations from obvious "lovable" to the disappointing "princess." the first one was the one i always thought was true, even though now i know "true" is usually more flexible than my five-year old mind would grasp.

It's odd because it doesn't mean that i will get great love, or any love. And actually it feels more like a potential future than a promise of any kind. as in "you have the opportunity to be greatly love."

And actually, that's something I've been thinking about lately. In this decade of life I guess is the time were it's a mad scramble to settle major things like careers and securing marriage if that's what you're into. and so it's easy to get focused on the bottom line thinking, be envious of those that get the girl and the gold despite what it does to them to do so.

recently i've had some guy friends discussing with me how mutual acquaintances will stoop to underhanded techniques to get girls, and they finished it up, "but.....they get girls!" as if that was the point.

one of my favorite writers from my adolescence wrote, "what you win is how you play." or the more popular, "what you are today is the price you pay for what you used to want."

i believe it's a universal desire to want to be loved, some of the giddiest highs or the simplest pleasures are derived from knowing that someone loves you. But it's also something we absolutely cannot control, attempts to do so are sabotage. So what i think in the end we are left with is the ability to try and be someone worthy of love, even if no one every will.

i suppose it's a trite and cliche conclusion, but i think still true. Perhaps growing up is modifying our wiring for instant gratification and selfish need of attention and love and all the flash and jazz of fabricated love and subsuming a quieter and stiffer satisfaction in knowing that i am worthy of the things i believe i want, if i never obtain them.

where i am now

I feel almost obligated to update. Since I've had sweet handful of people say to me, "i read your blog"

and well, I'm not as bummed out as i was just a couple days ago. the sun rises, i bike to school, i study chem, i try to hang out with my brother who's so sweet and he's moving to alabama in a week.

he really loves me, and i find that given the events of the last little bit that i feel pessimistic about non-familial close relationships. in a week i had an ex and an ex best friend write me scathing little electronic communications which at best were emotionally cathartic for them at my expense.

after the inital depression of getting over the abrupt dumping done by that guy who now has permanently earned "ex" status i find that i just feel empty in my social interactions. i used to feel optimistic and hopeful about everybody i met, more or less.

people hurt each other. this truth i dont know if i can quite get over.

Plato said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

I'm depressed.

I know the signs, this has happened before. runs in my family according to my mother. I used to think when I was in junior high and we watched late 90's vidoes made to try to appeal to the "y generation" or whatever it is i've been lumped with, that depression was glamorous, blue tinted and high contrasted.

it's not, it's hot, like you're living in a room that used to be a garage in house with no ac, yellowish like sweat stains, and glaringly bright with those little technicolor spots from a migraine.

i push people away, which for the most part isn't hard. social structures are mostly like water, they flow to the easiest spot, people are hydrogen bonded, like blends with like and they stick together in little crystalline structures.

sometimes someone can hurt you with words, and sometimes indifference. it's funny how all that tenderness and intimacy can flip on it's head in an instant and all that soft pink exposed flesh gets pinched.

some artwork

I got featured on a local website http://upsideprovo.com/community/art.html and they said that "to see more of her artwork here's her blog" which, well frankly I have yet to put up a single picture of my own artwork on this blog as far as I remember.
Well, I guess it's a good excuse.
These are some images from my final show 2008, I guess that's almost two years ago.