and my head has been full of this buzzing hum so strong and persistent, and probably A minor, but buttery and flesh colored, like when you close your eyes in a cafeteria and feel submerged in sounds and your total anonymity.
i was thinking about the concept of accountability. that is sort of what religion provides isn't it? the idea of being watched, of having a chance to explain, excuse, or at least sum up the total of your existence. the power of narration is a beautiful thing, the chance to filter, organize, and derive meaning and understanding from our experiences. that's why we tell people about our day isn't it?
me, i talk alot. i tell people things. i find that i learn what i think about things as i'm expressing them to people. Don Juan told Don Carlos while on the path to becoming a warrior:
"you know what your problem is? you're so damn self-important. you should tell all your soul to all the world, even the blades of grass because the details of your self are so insignificant."
my definition of self has undergone some significant re-vamping within the past year. some of it good and some of it bad. i feel a bit broken, when i used to think of myself as whole. my reaction to that is to withdraw and i feel a strong desire to pull away and be alone with myself. it's not just depression, it's a feeling of fragility and the feeling that other people can hurt me without even noticing or meaning to.
over all i feel like i have an awareness that i can be hurt and i now have a desire to protect myself.
along with this comes my decision to go into pre-med and abandon pipe-dreams of being a successful artist. it's not that i think i couldn't, or that i dont have the capabilities. but i feel that i'm too soft for it. and i hate having things out of my hands. you can work so hard, so very hard and still have nothing. and i'm not strong enough to handle that possibility.
giving up on being an artist, is giving up. but deciding to go into pre-med is not.
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