lack of narrative

i was thinking about how unhappy i am with this blog. ....

so i thought maybe the key was to write in it more? maybe by pounding it out it will hit a rhythm or something and i'll hit my blogging stride.

Brock and i were watching music videos tonight from the nineties, nine inch nails, tool, madonna, what have you. And then we watched silence of the lamb and i drank limeade.

I was reading an article in sunstone the other day and the author was talking about death of a narrative, he had reached the phase in his life where he was married, had a job "and then he worked for 38 years and then died."

While I am not married, nor do i have a permanent job/career or place to live, i feel like i've hit a death of narrative.

I was going to be an artist, I was traveling the world, and people would be "oh, really?" when i told them about my life like i was interesting. and i was interested in my life.

Now i work, i've cut down drastically on my social life and even when i do hang out with people i feel restless and anxious and unable to focus. other than brock and a small handful of people it's hard for me to think of a time when i had a meaningful and energizing conversation with anyone where i felt like our souls were touching.

I'm out of love, out of ideals, and out of time.

I just want to trim out all the unnnecessaries and the time wasters and focuse and work and push and drive and become something better, stronger, kinder, more capable, more self-contained. I want to make stuff and study and sweat and struggle and find myself on the other side of everything. I'm terrified of crashing, i lack balance and control and the ability to center.

what about the beauty, the heartstopping moments that make me freeze and shiver with out of my head excitement? can i hold on to them and still give shape to this strange drive pushing against my insides?

As i move forward i've been thinking about how important it is for me to keep writing, if not in my blog at least in my journal to jot down notes and my perspecitves, i used to think i wrote down meaning i found in my life but now i think perhaps i write down my life to find meaning.