Rats in the drain

Sometimes life feels like a series of walls that seems like they should be easily scaled but then i realize my climbing skills are not what they are in my head.

Literally, today i tried to break into my apartment.

Let me back up, last night i couldn't sleep and lied in bed trying to force the muscles in my neck to unclench. I feel very alone. the clocks ticking was like the beating of the terrible poe heart story. ugh.

back to the funny.

I had been asked to leave the key to my flat in the door so that a man that cleans windows could get in? The sprechen zie enlgisch and sprechen zie deutsch not so much, anyway I did as requested and when i came back the key was gone.

this week has been long. stressful. everything going wrong, right before the period, ate a whole case of knoppers. What am I doing here? Hayley said to me knowingly, that it's hard, no one knows how hard it is to go to another country alone and just be alone. except for people that have done it.

I almost stepped on a rat climbing into the sewers and I screamed and jumped and then felt stupid. But, it was big! It's fat rear and long thick spaghetti like tail slurping down into the grate right next to my foot.

I hadn't slept, I'm eating crap and sporadically, nothing but diet soda and chocolate for days then suddenly a huge cafeteria meal and lots of cheese. my poor little tummy. It doesn't handle stress well. I've slammed into every imaginable hang up with this scholarship application, which is last in a chronological list of brother and sister stories involving my initial school application, visa, german classes, registration etc. and i was responsible somehow for a halloween party and i'm flying to london tomorrow at 530am. my brain feels like pieces.

all i wanted was to disappear. and then the door was locked. I thought, this is silly. i should be able to overcome this. so that's how i found myself scaling up the back of my apartment to get on my balcony wondering if the neighbors will notice and if so if they'll call the cops, no and no but the balcony door was locked.