if i was infected with rabies
there must be something wrong with me. that's a form of narcissism, to assume that there is something wrong with me when in fact there is nothing wrong with me except i have a head cold and an inability to make decisions.

for trying to save the raccoons.

i need to try harder, to be better, really. I'm in a state of mental and physical indulgence and decay. I stopped taking college classes and working half a year ago and I am surviving but also it is a life of ease that is killing me. i saw a book called "blocking out the sun" and it focuses on the phenomenon of Japanese young men who will shut themselves up in a room and not come out and not contribute because, well why would one do that? I imagine it has something to do with the inability to accept that in fact life is hard and I am soft. I can't be anything spectacular because i have so much trouble just being mediocre.

would you give me one last kiss?

a kiss is very nice, but it is not a contract. why do i keep finding these people that believe in love? i know what love is and it is not at all romantic. there are no fireworks, no hazy lighting and no butterflies with love. Love is my little brother waking up in the middle of the night when I have a nightmare to tell me it's ok. Love is my roommate holding my hair back while I puke before finals.

with a piece of saran wrap pressed up to your lips?

keep it secret keep it safe gandolf said. tell all the truth but tell it slant, (was it emily dickenson who said that? ) why turn the music up when sad?