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So my mom called me yesterday. I was sitting in alicia's kitchen, the sun was slanting in at an angle and there were kind people flocking around me enjoying themselves, lindsey and her sister were making navajo salad. Someone's little sister or cousing Lennox was running around shouting, she's a precocious four year old that's blonde as sunshine.
I have to admit that i've been feeling down lately and so i've really appreciated moments that are untouched by negativity. i've been feeling extremely anti-social and it's an effort to risk going out for some reason. I've been trying to make peace with people.
I find that I dont have any anger in me, and no desire to hold grudges or to keep things awkward. The world is very small here and I keep having experiences that reinforce to me the importance of letting go.
So my mom called me. She had just talked to my aunt for a long time and found out lots of disturbing information about two of my cousins. The youngest one I remember for looking like barbie's little sister, kelly. And I remember that she used to fold all her clothes and color code them, even her underware. And my mom told me that she was raped at a party with drunk people.
the older sister, the older cousin I still remember as really young. Last time I saw her she was 15 or so and watching episode after epidode of desperate house wifes. the only time i saw her happy was when we were swimming in the ocean and the waves were really large and knocking us around really hard. She graduated from high school and started acting strange at her graduation party and her parents took her to the hospital and she was full of alcohol and cocain.
it was really sobering to hear that. My mom told me because she wouldn't tell art or stewart. just me. because i "can handle it, or understand it."

it made me sick. maybe because i can understand it.

when i was seventeen my parents caught me shoplifting and made me return the merchandise to the store. my dad took me to the stores to make sure i did it. the first store said thanks and shrugged. the second store made me sit and wait while they called the mall police. the worst part was waiting. we just sat together in silence and I stared at the texture of the painted brick on the wall. i remember a mom trying to be nice and talking to us while her daughter was trying on clothes.
the strange thing was how foreign a familiar setting had become.
i felt completely numb inside, like the part of me that could feel and function and was familiar and chatty had completely disappeared. but then there was this shell of me that was surprised to find itself still waiting. My dad looked worn and martyred.

he's noble like that. he undertakes unpleasant tasks and suffers through them with stately grace.

i feel that with this relationship i'm in. it's dying. we both know it but I think it's harder on me.

something that's been bugging me is the story of the little mermaid. she traded in her fins for feet which felt like a dagger pierced them with every step. because she was in love. but the prince didnt even notice she existed. but she was content to live in silent anonymous pain to be beside the one she loved expecting nothing in return. was she stupid?

the thing about cat power is that she sings like she is allowing her heart to break through her music in such a way that picks me up in a universal way. heartbrakingly humble and raw. stephen auden said that men wanted not universal love, but to be loved alone....but sometimes you'll take what you can get.

Cocorosie

This is a band I've just started listening to recently, and it's quite honestly the best music I've heard in a long while. It's sweet and gritty, innovative and experimental but still melodic ranging from dancing to meditative moods. I was recently driving back from a road trip to San Diego and it was about 10hours in the car there and 13 back. Somewhere in Nevada we put them on and it filled the car and the sweeping desert landscape with this cool white sound. I can't wait to investigate them further.

if i was infected with rabies
there must be something wrong with me. that's a form of narcissism, to assume that there is something wrong with me when in fact there is nothing wrong with me except i have a head cold and an inability to make decisions.

for trying to save the raccoons.

i need to try harder, to be better, really. I'm in a state of mental and physical indulgence and decay. I stopped taking college classes and working half a year ago and I am surviving but also it is a life of ease that is killing me. i saw a book called "blocking out the sun" and it focuses on the phenomenon of Japanese young men who will shut themselves up in a room and not come out and not contribute because, well why would one do that? I imagine it has something to do with the inability to accept that in fact life is hard and I am soft. I can't be anything spectacular because i have so much trouble just being mediocre.

would you give me one last kiss?

a kiss is very nice, but it is not a contract. why do i keep finding these people that believe in love? i know what love is and it is not at all romantic. there are no fireworks, no hazy lighting and no butterflies with love. Love is my little brother waking up in the middle of the night when I have a nightmare to tell me it's ok. Love is my roommate holding my hair back while I puke before finals.

with a piece of saran wrap pressed up to your lips?

keep it secret keep it safe gandolf said. tell all the truth but tell it slant, (was it emily dickenson who said that? ) why turn the music up when sad?